Mar 26 2010
Friends and Family of an Excessive Drinker
When people drink excessively, it not only affects their actions and their heath, but it also deeply affects those around them. Friends and family of an excessive drinker or alcoholic often change their lives to protect and/or accommodate what this person does and feels – in effect, “enabling” their loved one’s drinking problem.
Have you ever:
- Made excuses for someone’s behavior or absences due to their drinking?
- Had to change plans suddenly because of loved one’s drinking habits?
- Done something for your friend or family member that they are completely capable of doing, but they couldn’t do at that time because they had too much to drink?
- Called a person into work “sick”, because they were under the influence or too hung over to go into the office?
- Tried to hide or throw away alcoholic beverages to get them to stop drinking – even for that day?
- Made them feel guilty, or accused them of not caring about you and/or their family enough in an attempt to stop them from drinking?
- Felt hopeless, frustrated and out of control because of another’s drinking problem?
These are oftentimes symptoms of being an enabler. We enablers mistakenly believe we are helping our loved one by protecting them, or shaming or accusing them in an effort to get them to stop drinking, but in fact we make the situation worse.
So what can you do?
The first thing you need to understand is that you are not the cause of their problem drinking.
The second thing you need to understand is that you can’t “fix” the excessive drinker, nor can you force them to stop drinking or accept treatment.
What you can do is accept the support of programs available to help you with getting control of your own feelings of hopelessness and despair and give you the tools you need to learn a better way of life and find happiness – for you.
Two very good options:
- AlaNon (AlaTeen) – The website to get information about this wonderful group is: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html. There is also an online message board for additional support, which can be found at: http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42727.
- Learn about Codependency and/or seek assistance with a qualified Codependent Counselor. Your company may have an Employee Assistance Program that can refer you to a local resource. A good website to check out is http://www.codependents.org/.
A final note: While the one you care about needs your love and support, the primary person you should be focusing on is yourself. You will be able to be much more effective in helping your loved one seek help when you are experiencing well-being.
I work as an admissions counsellor for a detox and rehab unit. It is a common issue for friends and family of an alcoholic to want to love them better and sadly it doesn’t work, often it goes the other way. The process of trying to love alcoholics back to good health is known as enabling, as loved ones are often enlisted to buy alcohol and help them to carry on drinking.
It’s true that what is really needed is tough love. Interventionists educate families to this. The general essence of an intervention is that you let the alcoholic know that you love them but you cannot stand by and watch the illness of alcoholism destroy them. So they have to take the help that’s offered or you need to withdraw the support.
In the uk there are a lot more rules around the serving of alcohol these days and the responsible person amoungst others needs to have a personal alcohol licence. These were created to raise standards in alcohol retailing. Not certain this has actually happened though here. Not serving to people who are drunk can help but sometimes they are determined!
I am 17 years old with a 13 year old sister and 1 year old brother. My grandmother is a big support to us emotionally but this is wearing us all down. My mother is beautiful, successful, but is fast falling apart. She can be olding a drink in her hand and deny it is alcohol even after we taste it and confront her. She vomits consitently, runs fever, diarrea, just stays sick. My grandmother is a nurse and knows it is alcohol but we can’t controll it or change her. Question. What can we do without enabling her and still keep our household together with our baby brother there is no daddy in the picture?
Do most alcoholics deny their addiction to this extent?
She doesn’t remember anything and tells lots of stories that are conflicting and not true.
Thank you.
One of the biggest challenges is admitting to ones self that the person they care about actually has a problem and the steps needed to make a difference could result in major changes in their lives.
The hardest part is saying “there is a problem here” and then taking steps to move forward. It’s scary to admit that life is out of control, however this step is what sets the stage to getting help, finding the right answers, and having a happy and healthy life.
My husband doesn’t understand why I’m angry some days.
When I see him drunk I just snap and then feel guilty for it.
I have been with him for 17 years, and the beer drinking is getting worse.
He gets mad at me and I feel like it is my fault. He is so thin now, and I don’t know when he is not going to wake up.
He admits that he is an alcoholic, but there is no way that I am going to tell him that he has to stop.
He is a contractor and it is getting harder for him to sell jobs.
Do you think people don’t hire him because he smells of alcohol?
I have two children, aged 10 and 9. They don’t like it either.
What should I do?
Lost.