Alcohol Freedom Blog

The healing process takes many forms when recovering from alcohol abuse. Some alcoholics need to recover physically before they can start the really important phase of their recovery, which is re-connecting with those people who have been hurt because of their excessive drinking. For many recovering alcoholics they must start ALL forms of emotionally healing right out of the ‘recuperative’ gate.

All alcoholics and problem drinkers will have to regain the trust of the people that have been affected by their drinking. You’ve let people down, you kept secrets, and you distanced yourself from loved ones. You generally drove them from your life and they may or may not have realized why. Alcohol abusers are relentless liars and so chances are you did a fair amount of lying to those around you as well.

Nothing breaks trust quicker than being a known liar. Get caught in enough lies and you’ve established you can’t be trusted. Add the aura of the alcoholic to the mix and you have a mountain to cross in your recovery with most people in your life. This takes time and you shouldn’t feel pressured to fix all your relationships overnight. If ever the statement “Time is The Greatest Healer” were true, it’s now.

As you heal emotionally and repair yourself physically you are better able to fix relationships that have suffered as a result of your drinking. By arranging your relationships by their priority in your life you will be better able to understand via their importance, which needs more attention and when. Friends and family is one way of categorizing this process of making amends.

Personally I found it much easier to deal with the trust issues of friends rather than family. As far as my friends were concerned, those that cared at all were grateful if not surprised by my revelation of alcohol abuse. When I mentioned to them that I was sorry if I hurt them in any way because of my drinking they either broke off all contact with me or took the time to think about our relationship before breaking all contact! Obviously I had many fair weather friends.

As for family, there is the love quotient that binds you to them. They will be more emotionally involved in your life and will take your drinking harder than maybe you could comprehend. Many will have witnessed your decline, perhaps suffered silently during your fall and now are possibly feeling guilty themselves for not helping sooner in some way. Or perhaps they are hurt you cared so little about your relationship with them that you would allow yourself to sink to such depths of alcoholism.

However it plays out, it takes a special heart in an individual not to make your drinking admission and alcohol problems about them but to show unwavering support for you. Also be aware that these folks may just have a delayed fuse! Many will want you to seek help and get well before dealing with you and their pain and wounds. Still others just want what’s best for you.

The one person I was terrified of hurting even while I was in the throes of my drinking and contemplating his reaction was the absolute biggest surprise to me. During my very early recovery I asked my father how he felt about “ALL this drinking stuff” and he simply said he was proud of me for getting the help I needed and he just knew I’d be okay now. We were more than fine until his last living day.

Those closest to you are the people you must be most patient with. They’ve been hurt the most. As much as they love you and care about what happens to you, they will be conflicted by both your pain and theirs. These are the relationships that are worth saving if possible and no healing measure should be discounted. All effort must be put into saving your closest relationships regardless of the time it takes.

The spousal relationship is probably the most important bond to salvage. This relationship was spawned on trust and when that trust is broken it must be earned back over time. This realization is important to remember. If you are open with each other and able to talk without throwing silverware at each other, then fostering this dialogue will be crucial to successfully regaining the trust of your spouse.

Be cautious about making promises early on that you may not be able to keep. In other words don’t write any emotional checks you know won’t cash! Only give your word on things you will be able to accomplish. Try and keep your circumstances simple in your initial recovery and don’t over compensate for every miscue you make. Those you are trying to convince of your new commitment to honesty ought to understand that you are trying your best to be a new person.

Likewise the person who was hurt needs to determine if the relationship is salvageable. If you’ve been hurt by a loved one’s drinking problem, the process should begin with accepting that person’s apology regardless of how you really feel. Give yourself time to heal and tell this to the person who hurt you. They need to know why you are so hurt and the damage their drinking did to you and your relationship with them.

The Alcoholic who broke the trust in the first place has the ultimate responsibility to rebuild the trust. The person whose trust was broken has a responsibility to the alcoholic to try and understand where these lost trust issues originated from in the first place. Healing takes time and patience and when both parties understand this they can then begin the slow process of moving forward, hopefully together.

To set up an appointment with Michael Pearlman, M.D.,
Call 1 (866) 285-3400 toll-free or (617) 620-2230,

Or complete and submit our
Appointment Form

For further information about Michael Pearlman, M.D.’s proven treatment program
follow this link now.
Learn more about the FreedomFromAlcohol Method.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS