Mar 06 2008
Encouraging the Problem Drinker to Get Help
There are many schools of thought about whether an excessive drinker or an alcoholic can actually be encouraged to get help, or if they must hit their bottom first. Certainly it isn’t easy dealing with the belligerent or denial-prone drinker to get some aid, but there are some things you can do to help the process along.Most drinkers are aware of the fact they need help. The lure of alcohol is just so strong they can’t help themselves. This compulsion to drink means they will choose the alcohol over you nearly every time they are confronted with quitting. It doesn’t mean you aren’t valued by them or that they don’t love you. It means the addictive power of alcohol has diminished all sense of reasonable behavior and you aren’t the drinker’s priority any more – the alcohol is.
To better understand what’s happening in your life and to give you support, it would be helpful to attend local or online Al-Anon meetings. There you’ll gain insight to what others are going through, how they’ve overcome situations, and how to maintain your own sense of self-worth when dealing with a problem drinker – you’ll know you are not alone. However if you want to be proactive in your challenge to convince a heavy drinker to get help, you can follow some techniques that have proved successful for others with the same plight.
As stated before, many alcoholics know they need help. Once they realize how bad things are getting or have become, and if there is a modicum of common sense remaining, they may seek to mend their ways. But before this happens, the enabling you’ve been doing for the alcoholic must stop. Do not protect them anymore by making excuses for their absences or behavior to family friends or employers. As difficult as this may be, this is necessary to jar the problem drinker’s senses.
While sometimes it may seem difficult, it’s important to be in control of your emotions. It’s futile to argue with someone under the heavy influence of alcohol. Instead, wait until timing is on your side when they are sober and perhaps reflective of their behavior, and then discuss the problem with them rationally. You should then tell them in a firm but loving way that you will no longer be part of excusing or covering for them, that they will now be solely responsible for their own actions and the consequences of those actions. Let them know this is what you need to do to safeguard yourself.
When you both have some privacy and preferably soon after an “incident”, the problem drinker should be told or reminded of the occurrences where their drinking has been troublesome and remind them clearly of the episode that has brought about your current discussion. Speak calmly and decisively without a hint of animosity. Show them you mean business, but explain that you are worried about them and want to help them.
Decide for yourself before hand what the consequences will be if your loved one fails to get the help they need, then tell them. Whether that means it will result in one of you finding other living accomodations, perhaps avoiding social situations with them that include ANY alcohol, or whatever those consequences are, it’s imperative that you are prepared to go through it. If you still have love in your relationship, this can be a very powerful motivator.
It’s helpful to have some treatment options available before hand such as confidential counseling, and be prepared to get the help immediately if they agree. Assure them you will be with them through their treatment and recovery.
If they still need convincing, ask for outside help from a family member or friend, perhaps someone with similar experience or a recovering alcoholic themselves may help to get through to them. Alcoholics by their very nature are difficult, so multiple attempts at this kind of “early intervention” may be required.
The idea is to get the alcoholic thinking about what their drinking is doing to them, that their life has become unmanageable and self destruction is assured if they continue on their current path. Whether they are an alcoholic, alcohol abuser or problem drinker – if the excessive drinker is responsible for disrupting an otherwise normal environment, then try these methods to encourage them to seek treatment before things really get out of hand.
”The hardest task for a physician or anyone else that cares for a person who appears to be at the effect of alcohol, is to convince them that they have a problem – moreso, to encourage them to take some responsible action to deal with their problem. I have told numerous family members of an alcoholic that while there is not much I can do for the alcoholic until he or she is ready to call me and request help, there is much the family member can do to care for themselves, recognize their limits and help their loved one to act in alignment with what is most authentic for themselves. That means to understand the notion of limits as well as boundaries.
To effect change, you must arm yourself with tools of increasing self-awareness, have the courage to speak the truth as to how you are affected by the alcoholic, and follow through on promised actions.”
-Michael Pearlman, M.D.
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