Alcohol Freedom Blog

Andrew was drinking without caution now since he lost his job. He really didn’t care who saw the booze delivery car pull into his driveway while his wife was working. All he cared about was having enough scotch to make it through the holiday weekend. There would be commitments and scheduled events that he would blow off in a cavalier fashion not caring that he was alienating his wife and family even further than they were now.

Being a self motivated guy Andrew would figure something out to make money but for the time being he had his own savings and investments, credit cards so there was no risk of running out of money or booze. He had loved his job but wasn’t surprised when he was fired for spending too much time at his home office rather than seeing clients and his production fell off dramatically.

He was drinking morning noon and night now and didn’t give a damn. He would drink himself to sleep and when he poured himself out of bed he went straight into his office under the pre-text of reading the morning paper but was really drinking the full glass of scotch and water he prepared the night before and hid in the credenza for a quick hair of the dog fix.

In the quiet of his office in a lucid point of thought Andrew said out loud but only he could hear, “I think I’m going to die soon” After saying it out loud Andrew crossed his legs on his desk leaned back in his chair and said “And I don’t even give a damn, it doesn’t mean anything!” while raising his glass to absolutely no one and downed what was left in it. Andrew put his empty glass down and decided to hop in the shower since he had a busy day planned phoning around for a job to keep the warden happy.

As Andrew stood up he suddenly realized he couldn’t feel his legs! He was standing but his legs were numb! Quickly sitting down he tapped at the dead feeling in his legs from his mid thighs down to his toes and they were as numb as if he slept in a snow bank overnight. His heart racing but trying to remain calm Andrew did the only thing he could do, he sat back down and poured himself a glass of pure scotch and gulped it quickly hoping for his brain to become as numb as his legs. Again all Andrew could mumble was “the hell with it, it doesn’t mean a damn thing!”

3 weeks later Andrews’ wife saved his life by organizing a family intervention and he ended up getting the help he needed to eventually quit drinking. However it took a full month before Andrew was able to walk unassisted up and down stairs or even drive his car. Even though he had stopped drinking, suffered horrible withdrawal, underwent strict detoxification and started attending Alcoholics Anonymous, he was as physically sick and tired as anyone could be.

Andrew had been attending counseling at his families’ insistence for the last three years because his behavior had been so erratic. He was argumentative with everyone especially with his wife and this drew the attention of his siblings who insisted he get help. No one suspected alcohol was responsible because Andrew hid his drinking so well. He started attending therapy sessions, nearly every time drunk. Andrew hid his drinking so well, even from a professional.

Now here he was, busted, having to explain his behavior to everyone that mattered and he didn’t have any real answers for them. As Andrew regained his senses he found himself feeling so guilty and ashamed for letting his loved ones down. Coupled with his pernicious feeling of nausea and ill health he began to wonder if he had done permanent damage to himself. Would he feel like this for the duration?

More than once he thought about how easy it would be to finish the job he had started with his abusive drinking habits. Day after day he continued on a path of recovery hoping he would soon start to look and feel better, just like the old timers at A.A. They told him to have patience, gave him pointers from their own experience. Andrew continued seeing his counselor only this time he was honest with him.

It was amazing what he was learning about himself and his past conduct. There were so many possible reasons for his abusive drinking patterns, including stress in business, family history and a dare devil lifestyle where he thought he could do anything. All these things didn’t matter to him now; he really just wanted to know why he did this to himself. In a moment of self loathing his counselor, kind soul, told him he needed to forgive himself for everything destructive he had done.

Andrew would always remember his counselors next words, that for reasons they would be discussing, Andrew was trying to slowly kill himself and with full knowledge of this fact. He called it passive suicide. Passive suicides are always less violent in nature and leave some room for intervention or time to reassess the act. It is truly giving up on ones self.
This really scared Andrew who was becoming a more lucid thinker as his recovery progressed. As crappy as he still felt he understood, but could barely believe what he had been told. It all made perfect sense to him but now he was motivated to make sure that this passive suicide was just an anomaly in his life. He had sworn to regain the trust of his loved ones and he had much to make up for, especially with his wife. Still under doctors care Andrew would totally commit himself to getting healthy. But there were complications…

(To be continued)

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